I started my monthly posts. I posted whenever I had been here 1 month, 2, 3, 4... and so on. Today the number is 9.
I am in that weird point right now. Am I local? Or am I still foreign? I am going back in 1 month, but at that point right now I don't know where, who, what or why am I anymore. Not only do I not know where I am but I have no idea where I belong or where I should be. Sounds dramatic, but it's really not, it's kind a cool.
On one side I can't wait to go back! I am so very many excited to see my family, friends, my boyfriend, my cousins and everybody back in Estonia. I can't wait to hug them again, laugh with them, see them and spend time with them. One part of me really wants to get back to that so-called normal life I had where I knew exactly how everything works(Or did I?). I count the days and I am happy as the time gets closer to summer. I'll be back soon!
On the other side I can't imagine leaving. There are times when I look at my hostfamily and the only thought running through my head is ''These people are part of me. I am just so happy to have them.'' I feel like I care about them just SO much that I don't even realize anymore how much they mean to me. And then some days it just hits me that I actually have to leave soon. I mean how should I come home from school and not seeing my sister laying on the couch, watching netflix, or say hello to my hostmom, who's working in the office, everyday? Or how am I supposed to fall asleep at night when my sister is not sleeping couple of feet away from me or wake up in the morning and not accidentally finding one of the dogs in my bed because I had no idea she was sleeping with me? Or how should I wake up on the weekends without my hostmom asking how many eggs I want or without running to the donut shop, because it closes in 5 minutes?
Before you go on an exchange you hear everybody talking how 'during your year abroad you'll figure out who you are' and 'you'll find yourself' 'you'll be different once you get back home.' And then you come here, and since the first day you arrive you start thinking everyday - your main thought is 'okay, lets sit here and see how I am gonna change.' Then another day comes and another month, and another one...At some point in the middle of the year you feel disappointed because you were supposed to find yourself. You are kind a mad because everybody said how you are gonna figure out who you are, yet you feel like a complete mess right now and don't know anything anymore, plus you feel like you haven't changed at all.
And then comes the end, time when you realize that this whole year was changing you with every new adventure, with every moment you felt homesick, with every time you spent time with your family, well yea basically it changed you with every second. And then you realize that this person who left home in August doesn't exist anymore. The more you think you discover that you are not really homesick, but you miss the person who you were. After you have figured out who you've become and how much you have learned you are suddenly so scared to go back. You start worrying about literally the most stupid things like ''What if they don't like the 'new me'?'' ''Maybe I don't fit in anymore?'' ''Are they even excited that I'm coming back?''
~ And then there you are - Currently at home, while wanting to go home, but scared to go back to the same palace you left and actually not ready at all to leave this place. ~
That's the funny part because then you just have no idea what to want or wish or do anymore.
Now comes my favorite part, because once you get your mind off of these thoughts and just enjoy what you have, it just kind a klicks and suddenly you have it all figured out. And then your only thought is ''wow'' because you finally understand that you have the coolest and loving friends and family who are waiting for you and who you are gonna see so so soon. You have millions of new ideas what you wanna do and where you wanna go once you get back, so life's gonna be more interesting than ever. You have an experience that many people don't have, you have your own year! You have people that were once just names on the sheet paper, but who you now love unconditionally and who are the best host family anybody could ever ask for because they are YOUR host family. You have so many friends in so many countries who you can pretty much call your brothers and sisters as well! You have a place in your host country that doesn't feel foreign anymore, you call it home. You now have two separate lives, separate worlds that probably will never connect because the person you are in your host country will never meet the person you are in your home country, they are different people, but both of them are one of a kind!
And then you just sit there and smile and can't figure out what have you done to deserve such a damn cool life!
At that point all you have is happiness and you finally feel proud of yourself! :)
